Secret of Love
by xlilxfrazzlesx
Summary: Emma needs to tell Regina how she feels but she is nervous, she doesn't want to ruin their friendship, especially if the feeling isn't mutual. This is her first hand experience of the moment she actually managed to tell her.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This has been an idea I have been trying to put on paper for a while, so when the moment struck this morning out this popped. Its an experiences piece and drawn from some personal feelings and experiences that I could relate to the characters. I hope you enjoy this and for the moment it is only a one shot, but if inspiration strikes again I will try to get it on paper for you all to enjoy as well. **

**I really hope you like it :) x**

Standing at her bedroom door I observe her quietly. She is sat a top her bed, laptop open in front of her as she types away in small bursts upon the keyboard and with papers in a small pile just to one side. She is a busy lady, busy schedule, people to meet with, things to do and places to be.

Then there is me; her friend just about and nothing more. I am only here at her bedroom door because I came to visit her under these pretenses. I fold my arms and lean comfortably against the frame as I watch her working away. She is poised in her stature as she flicks her eyes from paper to screen and back again. I feel a smile tugging at my lips and that is when she looks up almost instinctively and manages half a smile in return.

_"Hey" _I greet her softly.

_"What?"_ she questions softly.

I don't answer that. Simply I push away from the door frame and step foot into the room. With soft footing I pad over to the bed and perch gently on the edge, assessing the situation before I move in any closer. I am unsure how she will react but I have something to tell her, something I really want her to know and I feel now is as good a time as any to express these feelings I have.

A simple question has been circling my mind for some time now.

_'How do I tell her I love her?'_

How she feels about me I am unsure, but how I feel about her I am certain. It is love. The feelings just developed. Nothing I could do would have stopped them. Suppression and denial of them only worsened the issue and set the feelings bubbling beneath my skin only harder. They have grown and now been nurtured into something more than they ever were at the start.

I admit I am nervous. Who wouldn't be and hasn't been in such a position.

Declaring ones feelings can make or break a special relationship; especially if they are not mutual, one sided or not reciprocated. So now she is staring at me with expectance. With a deep breath I try to muster up the courage to move in closer but it bails on me and I hesitate so she looks away. Focus returned back to the work in front of her but I know she is suspicious.

I kick myself metaphorically at the little slip up. Where has my confidence gone? Why has it abandoned me now? Is it nerves?

I ponder those few questions whilst sat in the silence of her bedroom, that is of course until she starts typing again and without even a break in her stride, as her fingers move effortlessly from key to key she mumbles.

_"So are you just going to sit there?" _

I detect a sense of uncertainty in her tone towards me and maybe she too is nervous not knowing what is going on. Suddenly the whole moment seems to become awkward, but I can't tell if that is just for me or not. I take a deep breath and mumble back that I am not just going to sit there but I fail to move. I hear her exhale a little frustrated I guess by my behaviour that she doesn't understand and then hear her shuffle some papers and become lost in reading the one she has just picked up.

That is my opportunity to move in closer. After a deep breath and a quick wipe of my lightly sweating palms against the denim covering my thighs, I push up onto the bed properly and position myself so that I am sat behind her. Close behind her. One leg hangs off of the bed still, dangling pointlessly over the side and the other now rests upon the bed curled up under her own slightly raised knee where she is sat crossed legged.

I know she can feel me breathing against her neck now and see her instantly straighten her back. I don't need to have touched her yet to know she has tensed up, but I do. My arms slip through her arms and around her waist, hands clasping individually to her tummy by pressing against the material of her top as I hold her and close to me.

She flinched as my hands made contact with the material covering her torso, so my nerves now are heightened. My heart is racing in my chest, pounding away as we sit in this awkward embrace. Suddenly I can't seem to think straight but I try to calm my nerves. I wish I knew what she was thinking. it would certainly help, but like me I suppose she keeps her feelings to herself for fear of being rejected. My heart starts to hammer against my chest when I start to think again. I am glad we have got this far but what now?

I need to know her thoughts before proceeding. Fear has the better of me and rejection hovers like a nasty reminder over my head of why I shouldn't be doing this.

_"Say something. Please just say something" _I plead silently in my head.

Anything will do, just something.

The silence remains and she seems to be staring pointlessly ahead of herself. I can't see her facial expression so cannot read it. She has said nothing so I cannot act further. Delicately I hold her; just waiting.

My breath continues to beat against her neck and the silence still lingers. It has been only minutes since I moved in so intrusively but it feels like an eternity. I tighten my grip unconsciously and press my chest gently into her back. Her body instantly tenses further.

Have I made a mistake?

Begging again in my head for her to say something I move closer in at the side of her neck, angling my head just so I can see bare flesh. My lips hover there as I wonder about my next move and try to make a decision without being to indecisive in my act. Confusion of feelings right now is not what we need. It is actually the reason we have ended up in this situation and the only reason I am now stuck in this position.

Oh god why can't I just tell her?

I'm just making everything worse. I would rather a friend than nothing at all. I hesitate, my lips moving back as I retreat from her neck. I can't do it. I can't admit my feelings. I don't want to ruin what we have. I don't want to be rejected by another, again.

Is it too late, have I ruined it already? I have come close in the past but she is still here which means I didn't succeed, thankfully.

Panic sets in and I quickly release her body and sit back. I am shaking with fright as to how she is going to react now and curse my cowardice.

Why do I screw up everything.

No don't answer that; no one answer that horrid question. I really don't need it confirmed, I already know why. I am a mess, that is why, a complete and utter disaster with a jumble in my head and no clear path. It is not paranoia, don't call it that; it's fact. My heart knows what it wants, it always has but my mind is so filled with negativity that it slashes the dreams held by my heart and tells me continuously that I am not good enough, not normal enough, not capable of having the happiness I crave.

At that thought I retreat further, quickly moving away from her body so we are no longer touching and I am pushed back against the pillows on the bed. I pull my curled leg out from under hers and that is when she turns and glances over her shoulder at me.

_"What was that?" _she questions.

Still can't read her. Wow this is horrible. My mouth is dry and now I seem to have lost my tongue. When I fail to provide and answer she looks away and back to her papers.

Oh shit!

I scramble away and off of the bed, clumsily tripping over my own feet and almost sending myself face first onto the floor as I hurry to the door.

_'Run!' _My head screams at me and I am inclined to agree. Yes Run!.

_"Wait!" _she states firmly.

I stop, unable to disobey such a command.

_"What was that?" _she asks when I still.

With my back to her as I was mid-flee I don't want to turn and face her but I feel compelled to. A quick turn on my heels and our eyes meet. Great! Still can't read her, she has no mood defining expression on her face.

I swallow hard.

_"Well?" _she follows up her question from a few seconds ago.

Then she quirks an eyebrow at my continued silence.

_"Explain!" _she snaps out.

The pressure is on. I take a deep breath and swallow hard again before opening my mouth to speak. My eyes drop to the floor, I can't look at her whilst I do this. Hell I don't even want to tell her the truth now but she deserves to know.

There is another long pause and the clock is ticking.

Its now or never.

Ok.

Here it goes.

_"I love you" _I mumble in barely a whisper.

_"What?" _she chokes out a reply.

I look back up after another deep breath.

_"I love you" _I admit in a clearer and slightly louder voice.

She just stares; I just wait.

_'Say something' _I silently beg once more.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Hi everyone. So I intended this to be a one shot but managed to get some more for you. **

**I know you all wanted Regina's reaction but I couldn't do that just yet, so here is some more Emma. This chapter is a bit more personal and about Emma trying to deal with the feelings she has. I am working on Regina's response so hopefully for next chapter you'll have that.**

**So, I hope you like it as much as the first chapter. x**

I am now alone and crying. She never said anything and after minutes and seconds of her staring at me with a look in her eyes I couldn't fathom, I fled. Cold tears are soothing my heated pink cheeks as I lie in bed, cocooned in the duvet and I am desperately trying to shut the world out.

I hate myself.

Why did I do that?

Why did I just go an ruin everything by opening my big mouth?

I am crying so hard now that I can't even think straight to answer those questions and I don't want anyone else to either because same as earlier, I know the answers to _every _question I torture myself with.

Swallowing hard I screw my eyes up tight in an effort to stop the tears. That fails to work and they fly open again, stinging as the air mixes with the salty tears. In floods they still travel down my cheeks, following the contours of my face and chin before following the path down my neck. I must look awful but I don't care, who is going to see anyway. I don't have anyone now.

Worst part of it all is that I don't even have a friend to talk to. She is gone too. She was you.

Shoving my face into the pillow I let it absorb the evidence of my upset. If I can just go to sleep and never wake up again I will be happy.

I must have fallen asleep at some point because I have woken up to darkness. How disappointing! Yes you read that right, I was being sarcastic. My eyes are itchy, sore and red and I rub them and focus on the surroundings of my bedroom. As always when you fall asleep unconscious of the fact that you have, I feel warm and clammy and my throat is dry.

Peeling myself out from under the duvet I push away from my mattress to sit up and then promptly climb out of bed. Its the middle of the night, no one awake thank god, as I creep downstairs for a glass of ice cold water. It instantly soothes my throat. As I stand sipping I can't help but remember that blank expression and nothingness upon gorgeous features, as I declared my love earlier.

My eyes instantly moisten, tears imminent and I choke on my latest mouthful of water as a huge sob escapes me. Too upset again I slam the glass down on the side and run back up the stairs as quickly as I can. I have to hide until I get over these stupid feelings.

I can't being myself to talk to anyone and I don't want to admit the truth either. Concealing it and carrying on like nothing is wrong is the easiest way to be ok. Suppress, suppress, suppress, but first I need to just get the feelings out. Diary where are you?

I scramble under my bed for something I never used before. I had bought it with every intention of keeping a journal but I never committed to writing it. I need it now though, if I just write it all down maybe it will leave my head once and for all. Upon finding the book I grab it and hurry snatching a pen from the bedside table before tumbling a top my bed. My actions rushed I peel off the wrapping of the book and throw it down on the floor. Next thing I know the pen is in my hand and I am scribbling away without a conscious thought.

_So I have told you I love you..._

_BIG F***ING MISTAKE!_

_Yes I am angry! Lets just be clear on that, but not because I am mad at you. _

_I AM MAD AT ME!_

_You said nothing and that says more than you'll ever know. You just returned to your work without another thought about what you were told. In fact I doubt you even understood properly. _

_What do I do now though? Will you talk to me? Will you tell me if you feel the same? _

A tear splashes on my page smudging the ink on that last bit of scribble.

_All you had to do was say something. Anything... _

_I love you too... _

_What the hell?_

_Get lost..._

_I hate you! _

Another tear splashes onto the page, absorbed into the fibres of the paper and smudging the ink of the words just written again.

_Anything would have been something. An answer at least. _

_I just want you to want me, the way that I want you. I just want you to love me. Is that so much to ask for?_

_Well I guess it is and upon reflection I suppose it is I don't deserve you any way. You are a much better person than I am and ever since I've known you all I seem to do is cause you pain. _

_Hurt you..._

_Upset you..._

_Make things worse..._

_Story of my life and you don't need that in your life. You've had enough of that in the past._

_Once you'd opened up and trusted me I was sure you cared and I really think you do but maybe just as my friend. _

_Is that it? Do you just want to be friends and nothing more? _

_I want that too, the friends thing, best friends but I have just seen you in a different light. _

_I'm sorry..._

_I didn't mean to ruin what we had? _

_Please tell me you know that? Right? _

_Grrrrr, now I am just frustrated. Why do I feel like this?_

_I am screwing up again, making it worse. Why did I think this would help? _

_It's not even going to be normal between us anymore. I can't fix this. It can't be undone. _

_Argggghhhhh! Frustrated. Frustrated. Frustrated! _

_You're not even reading this, and if you ever get the chance you won't even realise that it is about you! _

_Everything is about you!_

_You...you...YoU...U...YOU!...YOU!_

I sniffle as another teardrop hits the page and smudges the ink on that bottom line of scribble. Quickly I wipe at my dripping nose and eyes to clear away anything threatening to fall.

I take a minute re-reading what I have already put on paper and realise it is just the desperate ramblings of someone craving love. How unfortunate it is that the person is me.

So why am I scribbling again?

It's like I don't have control of my hand right now. Pen covers paper quickly as I scribble. Out comes more.

_Maybe I just don't know you well enough. Maybe I am just not good enough. I don't know. Did I mistake something for more. Misread the friendship. _

_Did I?_

Another larger tear splashes on the page smudging the middle words of those few sentences.

Taking a deep breath I allow myself to calm a little before trying to get out more feelings.

_I just wanted you to know. _

_So now you do I guess it is up to you what you do with the information. _

_Sorry..._

_I'm sorry that I love you. _

_I can't help it. _

_I love you. I Love You. I LOVE YOU!_

I slam the book shut then. That is enough. I can't torture myself like this. I must stop.

I have hit self destruct!

Pulling at my hair in frustration I scream. It should have relieved the tension but it hasn't. I am still wound so tight. Paranoia and angst invading every fibre of my being, doubt and depression eating away at my mind, feeding on the sadness and they won't stop until I am completely destroyed.

_"Why can't you just see that I love you?!" _

Oh Damn, I just screamed that out loud.

I pound my fist into the mattress to try and relieve some of my frustrations. I take deep breaths to try and calm and then suddenly I find myself unconsciously scribbling away again on the page.

_I love you. I love you so much it actually hurts. _

_I need you to realise. I need you to see this and I need you read it properly. Really look at the words. Look at the clues. _

_See me..._

_Please. _

_ME...not her_

_ME! _

_Read it properly! _

The words are scribbled as I stare at the bottom of the page. The last line of words.

Are you reading this properly?

Suddenly I find my fingers curled around the top of the page, gripping it tight, ready to rip the leaf from the spine and with every intention of doing so but I don't.

I want to tear the page to shreds.

I want to take it all back and never feel like this. Make it stop. Make it go away. Pretend it isn't real and not let anybody see the truth.

I take a deep breath and I release the page. I can't do it.

I want you to see it and _I _want _YOU_ to know that _I _mean every word of it. _I LOVE YOU!_

I really do so I pick up my pen again and place it just above the first sentence. With a shaking hand I write.

_To..._


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Regina's response as requested. It is probably not what you all expect but I do hope you like it. **

**I will try and update this again soon x**

So I ran towards her house and back in a flash, dropping the scruffy piece of paper from my diary onto the step outside her door. Terrified of being caught there I didn't want to linger but now I seem to be doing just that. Of course I am doing it from a distance though. I wait just long enough to see her open her door and look confused as she stares at the note flapping lightly in the breeze.

I swallow hard, watching as she reaches down and snatches it up with poise. She stares at its blank surface knowing it is for her and no doubt from me, then proceeds to look around for any sign of me. I duck down further where I am hiding paranoid that she can see me and then don't look back up until I hear the door shut and I am certain she has returned inside.

* * *

I hold the scrappy piece of paper in my hand and stare at it. I know it is from her but I am not compelled to open and read what is inside just yet. Crossing to my study I thunder inside and throw it down on the desk as I walk around and seat myself comfortably in my leather chair.

Creamy yellow paper stares at me. I feel myself scowling,

The idea of what is scribed upon it and concealed within folds frightens me a little. I have actually felt like this since last night now that I think about it and slowly I clench my fists in frustration. Does she not understand that I can't take this pressure. Not now. Not ever.

I have a life that does not revolve around her and her needs. A job that I love and want to be able to enjoy without feeling that I have to commit to another. She has become quite clingy lately and I am not sure I like the behaviour. The more I tried to get close to her the lower we both seem to get and I don't want to be dragged down and suffocated by superfluous and unimportant dramas. I have real issues and a real past. Issues that stem from actual occurrences and horrible times in my life, not over dramatized mediocre, silly and childish concerns.

I exhale deeply even though I only spoke that in my mind, feeling exhausted by it. She is such a mess and without any real reason or need to be.

She makes my head spin!

I exhale quickly again, frustration taking hold on me and I don't want to act out on intention and maybe regret the decision.

Suddenly reaching forward I snatch the paper up again and just hold it. My eyes drop to my bin and the thought crosses my mind just to throw it away. I can't, reason being it is too easy to reach down and lift it back out if I change my mind. Flicking the folded page fast in mid air I contemplate what I actually want to do.

Finally I decide to read it. Just once; and once I know of its content I can decide correctly on how it should be filed. Trash. Keepsake. Burned never to see the light of day again.

Slowly I unfold the paper, seeing black ink at the top of it first which is addressed to me personally.

That is bold, I think as I slowly unfold the rest of the sheet to reveal scribbled ramblings.

Sighing deeply in contempt I start to read even though the content is hard to decipher amongst the splash marks caused clearly by fallen tears.

I am annoyed at reaching the bottom of the page and realising I am crying now too. Quickly I wipe at my eyes and throw the paper down on my desk after one of my tears falls onto the page staining it and smudging ink on one of the many declarations of _'love' _it contains.

Damn! I don't want to be in this state over her, not now; I don't need the pressure.

I am conflicted and quickly pick it up, reading quickly again. My tears continue to flow as I try to make sense of this little outburst and how she developed such feelings. I have never given her any reason to think this _'love' _thing exists between us.

Naturally I start scrunching the paper in my palm until it is crumpled to within an inch of its existence. If only I could crush it to dust.

Angry and gripping tightly in the ball of paper I have created out of the love note, declaration, confession; what ever the hell it is supposed to be, I simply let go and it drops onto the varnished top of my desk. Then I stare at it, maybe if I do so for long enough it will 'poof' and disappear or suddenly become inflamed and no longer exist.

Nothing works. It just stares back; a screwed up ball of feelings and it makes me feel sick.

Why has she put me in this terrible position?

Getting up quickly when I can stand it no longer I storm out of my office, wiping quickly at the tears I no longer wish to fall and run upstairs to my bedroom. I will not and can not be seen like this by anyone and I want to be alone. Properly alone.

Slamming the door I am careful to lock it and then I cross over to my vanity and sit before the mirror. I wipe again quickly at my eyes and sniffle before looking up and seeing my reflection.

There she is staring back at me; a broken hearted girl. The one who has felt unloved for so long, the one who worries but tries to conceal it all inside. The one who has taught herself over many years not to feel but can't help it and the one with defences so high I let people scale the wall to the top only to push them back down when they have gotten too close.

She has gotten too close!

That is how this horrible mess has come to be. She has developed feelings based on this closeness I have allowed. Friends was one thing and it was working but lovers.

Is she serious?

We barely know each other.

Actually I am not sure we know each other as well as we thought we did.

I ponder that thought for a few moments whilst wiping away the black smudges of eyeliner from my eyes and in essence the evidence of any upset.

Actually I'm not sure either of us really know the real side of the other.

I stare at my face, a little blotchy and red from being upset and take a deep breath to compose myself. I am an adult, maybe I should deal with this in the grown up way in which I would everything else. Sitting here crying over it won't achieve anything and it certainly isn't making me feel better.

Wiping my face once more I then reach for the foundation. Slowly I re-apply it to my face making sure to cover every blemish and imperfection until my mask is firmly back in place. Eyeliner follows, enhancing my eyes and then a touch of mascara and some lipstick.

When I finally look back up I see me and a quirk of my lips resembles a half smile as I rise and turn to leave my bedroom.

We need to have a chat.

I need to know why?


	4. Chapter 4

I am pacing. Wishing in many ways that I was still hiding in the shrubbery outside of her house. Everything is quiet and it is dangerous that I am alone with my thoughts. I have no distractions, stuck at work but not with a thing to do. This is hell. I take a deep breath and flop down into my less than comfortable desk chair. Leaning it back as far as it will go, I sit lost in a state of contemplation.

So I know she took the note, no idea if she read it though. Uncertain of what might happen if she did. Is she happy? Is she sad? Does she hate me? Feel the same? Hate me?

Oh yeah I already subconsciously asked that.

Yeah she hates me. I hate me. Why on earth did I declare these feelings?

They are stupid anyway. I don't even know where they came from. I know I developed them but seriously from what, the conversations we were having, the meetings, something more?

Parallel universe? I joke silently to myself.

I sigh frustrated. Too many unanswerable questions floating around and cramming up my mind.

I am driving myself crazy.

The thought crosses my mind that maybe I should try again to talk to her. Explain properly how I am feeling and why I think I feel that way. What it means to me and find out what it means to her. Understand whether she is interested like that or would rather we just stay friends. Clear the air.

A friend is better than nothing and being alone.

Maybe if we both know where we stand on this issue we can move on. It will certainly relieve the tension and make us both more relaxed. This not knowing and game playing if you like isn't good for either of us, health or stress wise.

Sighing again I go over all the possibilities in my head and toy with the idea of returning to hers and just pouring it all out again like I did in the note.

It is just then that I notice the clicking of heels on the flooring and then there she is, stood right in front of my desk with a vague expression upon her face. Instantly I jump out of my seat and stutter trying to determine the undeterminable expression on her face.

Are we cool or is she pissed? I can't decide.

_"What the hell was that note?" _she suddenly shouts and I flinch.

Ok...so that's the mood confirmed; she's mad; real mad.

I swallow hard, riding my throat of the big, hard lump that has formed and try to speak.

She's waiting as I just stand there trying to collect me thoughts. This is either going to go so well or horribly wrong. Ever the pessimist I go for the second of those two options, you just watch me crash and burn right now.

_"I love you" _I mumble.

She scoffs and looks away for just a moment before refocusing her gaze.

_"You already said that. A million times in the drivel of your pathetic little note"_ she snaps.

Damn she is really upset with me by the sound of that.

_"How dare you put me in this position" _she continues slightly outraged.

I don't say anything, no point in adding fuel to the fire right now.

_"I won't deal with this. Do you understand me?" _she snaps again.

_"I am not like you" _she keeps going.

I still stand there, tears threatening.

_"Lets just make one thing clear. This is never going to happen" _she scowls at me as she delivers that blow.

I'm disappointed, I won't lie. The heart wants, what the heart wants, nothing I can do about it but if she wants me to switch the feelings off I will certainly try.

_"Do you understand me?" _she questions and in response I just dumbly nod.

_"On this I will not negotiate" _she states firmly as she pulls something out of her purse and throws it at me before storming away.

A folded piece of paper and I think I recognise it. Picking it up I fear to open it and see my own penmanship but I don't, it is hers. I stare at it for a moment drinking in the writing and style and then my eyes are drawn to the top where my name is scribbled formally, rather than informal like I had addressed hers.

I only read the first line before I put it down.

I'm not sure I can read it.

I swallow hard and get up to make myself a coffee. It most likely won't help but it is a momentary distraction and a temporary delay. Stirring the hot liquid slowly that I have just poured I contemplate that first line I read. It was very vague and I don't know what sense to make of it. It doesn't really determine the content of the note.

Positive or Negative undetermined straight away.

The formal addressing suggests negative but that first line hints maybe at possibility. I can read between the lines, I just don't always read them right.

Taking my coffee back to my desk I slowly sit down and then take the note. I hold it in my hand just staring at my name and the first line, not daring to drop my eyes any lower for fear of losing the possibility of hope. I continue to stare until it seems the words are dancing about before my eyes and then look away quickly to refocus.

My eyes fall back to that first line again as I take a deep breath and follow it with a sip of coffee. Time to be brave, read whatever she has had to say to me, but before I do I reread the first line again.

_You are lucky you have even this from me._

I sigh and take another sip of coffee as my eyes fall the paragraph below and I start reading.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Hi everyone, thank you for the fabulous response to this story. Apologies this is only a short update. I will be working on another chapter very soon though that will hopefully be longer. **

**Hope you enjoy x**

_You are lucky you have even this from me._

_You must understand that whatever this infatuation is that you have with me has to stop. It is not what I want, I have never wanted this and especially not with you. So I want you to stop this, and no that is not a request it is an order. _

_I don't know how to love very well, so I chose not to. _

Understatement of the century right there, and a whole load of rubbish, I know she is capable of love. I have seen her do it. This is her putting up that brick wall like I do, a defence mechanism to keep love out, pain at bay and all that stuff.

_Your very expressive note has left me speechless, and no before you get excited not because the feelings are mutual, but because it was a shock. _

_Also it was barely legible and next time you wish to share your thoughts please do so in a way I can actually understand and make sense of. _

___Tear stains do not help when they have smudged words._

_There was no structure in what I read and by the end of it I was sure that was no letter. Your rambled, scrambling's of 'love' as you call it were not taken kindly by myself. I did not need you to express such views as you had handled your feelings so well the other day in my bedroom. _

_What I am saying to you I mean. _

I stop there for just a moment not wanting to read on. Well the first half is certainly comedic in the sarcasm stakes. I don't know whether to interpret this as positive or just the build up for a very horrific and painful disposal.

Taking another sip of coffee, I bravely continue to read.

_So down to business... _

_Yes you should be mad at yourself. Mistake really isn't the right phrasing, try disaster. _

_Now lets be clear on this; I understood you perfectly and I said nothing because I had nothing to say to you. You cannot just do what you did and then blurt out something like that and expect everything to be ok. That was a huge declaration of your 'feelings'. _

I swallow hard at that. Ok, its not a blatant no but its not exactly, thank you for telling me and I love you too.

Yep, I am disappointed, it was kinda what I had been hoping for.

_Now you asked me what you do now. Trust me you do not wish for me to answer such a question. Will I talk to you?_

_NO..._

_This is all you are getting. _

_Out of the options to say that you gave me, none of them are my choice expression at this moment, yet that is subject to change. So beware. _

I sigh and take another sip of coffee. I am not sure whether to be relieved about that or worried she feels something worse. Still though I punish myself by reading.

_In answer to the question scribbled under that, the answer is yes. Just so that you are aware you are spot on with the next few lines. You do hurt me. _

_In terms of being friends...leave that with me, I will re-evaluate our situation when I am feeling calmer. _

Phew! Something a little positive I suppose.

_However, moving on to the rest of your scribble._

_You are not wrong in any of its content. You have shifted the axis and placed me in a very difficult position. There are consequences of this. There always are and you should know this! _

_The comment about me not even realising your scribbles were about me, that would make a lot more sense if you hadn't addressed the piece to me and sent it! _

_Lets be clear on something else also, I do not want the pressure of it all being about me, that was very unfair of you. I have my own life, places to go, people to see, I will not spend every waking hour being of your concern and pampering to you. Way too much pressure. _

I swallow hard, feeling a little guilty and get the urge to apologise, but that is soon lost when I continue reading.

_The next part of your note, well there are just too many tear stains on that for me to even make sense of what the ink formed before it became smudges. _

I chuckle at that for a moment before reading on.

_Now lastly, I did read your letter properly and stop apologising, it's just pathetic. _

I am disappointed to find that is it, nothing more after that and I am actually quite heartbroken. I know it wasn't a no, but it wasn't exactly a confirmation, in fact it doesn't even show mutual understanding.

Sighing heavily I throw the paper onto the desk in front of me and just stare at it.

Well...

I take another sip of coffee.

What am I supposed to do now?


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: All I can say is wow, thank you all of you for your wonderful response on the last chapter. I am so glad you are all enjoying this. **

**Here is chapter 6 :) x**

I have been sat here for hours pondering over the last question I asked myself. I honestly have no idea.

Give up is one option that crossed my mind, but I am not sure I can give her up. She is too much a part of my life. Too important to me. I know she thinks that is pressure but I really can't help it. Feelings are feelings, you can't control them when you become close to another person and we have definitely become close.

Maybe she is in denial?

I quickly shake that thought, no if she was in denial I would know. I can tell when she is lying.

Actually she has gotten pretty good at telling when I am lying too.

My feelings I suppose are always on display so she must have had some suspicion as to my feelings for her before I openly declared them; surely?

Sighing heavily I go to pick up the note. I hesitate as my fingers brush against its surface and wonder if it is really a good idea to read it again. I want a clue, there must be something hidden between the lines. I just need to read it slowly and properly. I am certain it is there.

The lines don't get blurred like this if the feelings aren't mutual right?

Maybe I should just ask her that question.

Sighing I decided not yet and quickly pick up the note with decision made. Read it again.

I do, but still it is just black and white, clear and precise; not even a hint of I love you too. However I am still relieved it doesn't say I hate you, go away, I never want to see you again. That is something at least. The possibility to remain friends still exists.

I don't have to give up hope just yet. That makes my heart flutter.

I place the letter back down. Should I write back?

Text maybe?

Call?

This is so hard. I don't want to push her away. I don't think I would survive without her.

I sit back and reflect for a moment and when I do my phone buzzes.

I sit up quickly hopeful the message is from her. I was stupid to think so. Many thanks service provider for you message and getting my hopes up. That was just what I needed.

As I delete the message and go to put my cell down again I notice another message come in. My heart flutters again excited at the possibility but it isn't her either. Mother, I roll my eyes and send a simple message back.

Today is just full of disappointment.

Eventually too upset to really want to be in public I grab my phone and the note, shoving them both into the back pocket of my jeans and snatch up my jacket to leave.

Screw this. I slip on my jacket and head straight for the store. Time to drown.

Having purchased one large bottle of whiskey from the shop I head straight home. Nothing like a good stiff drink or five to ease the pain. Heading straight to my room I don't even bother with a glass. Not like I am going to need it anyway and by the time I slam the door shut I am unscrewing the cap.

Taking it over to my bed I fall down upon the mattress after emptying my pockets and take a long sip.

Refreshing.

That is until it burns my throat and I cough on it needing to take another.

A little while later I notice I have poured a considerable amount down my throat.

Completely intoxicated I make a decision and I pick up my cell typing out a message.

_So your note wasn't what I really wanted..._

_I love you..._

_xxxxx_

I stare at it and even though subconsciously I know it is a bad idea I still press send.

A little note flickers on screen with the time as the message goes through.

Instantly I regret it. What have I done. What if it makes things worse?

I panic, throwing the phone away from me on the bed as if it is too hot to hold and burning my palm.

Now I wait.

And panic.

Yep that's it, I am in full on panic mode. Why couldn't I just be happy as friends.

Why did I open my big mouth?!

Frustrated I fall back against the pillow and pull the messed up, unmade duvet from this morning up and over my head. I scream under it, just needing to get the frustration out.

Now I am just lying here and the tears start to fall. I blame myself. It's all my fault. I created this mess. I made it worse and I have destroyed our friendship.

Feeling guilty and blaming myself isn't helping the situation. It is only causing tears to fall faster and before long I have soaked the sheet and pillow with them.

I cry and cry and cry until I fall asleep.

Nothing else I can do.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: a big thank you to everyone still reading. So the first half of this is Regina and second half is Emma. **

**Really hope you enjoy it x**

It has been days since I received that message from her and I have to keep reading it, I still can't believe she did that. As if the scribbled note wasn't enough she goes and sends this.

Why?

I was very clear and precise in my note. It was written there for her to understand in black and white.

I wasn't saying no to us being friends and I was contemplating it, but she just has to keep pushing.

What is worse is that isn't the only one she sent.

I scroll through the others.

Sent the morning after, I got:

_I'm sorry_

A couple of hours later I received another:

_I'm really sorry. Please don't hate me. _

I pretty much got texts like that all day. Every hour or so a new one would arrive until they just stopped, but that wasn't until later that night and I assume she fell asleep.

It was actually a relief to have my phone silence.

The next day it began all over again and started with the following message;

_Please talk to me...Please._

_I love you xxx_

I remember rolling my eyes at that one. Begging will get her nowhere.

I made it very clear in my letter back that I would not pamper her with affection nor would I heed her every request of me. I am not interested in loving someone who may hurt me. I just don't trust.

It isn't just our 'friendship' as she calls it on the line here. There are lots of factors to consider and the biggest of all is my heart. Its been broken before, I have had to take really good care of it since. She is a fool if she thinks I would just rip it out and hand it over to her without a thought.

So messages have continued to flood into me, all self pitying and each and everyone as pathetic as their predecessor. Thankfully today though they seem to have stopped, which is absolute bliss. The silence and to not be continually hassled just what I need. Giving her the silent treatment seems to have sent the message loud and clear.

* * *

Days.

Not a word from her at all.

This is torture.

I am holding my phone desperate to send the first message of the day and knowing I will follow it with many more. I am consumed with guilt and I do blame myself. I have ruined everything. I always ruin everything.

I just want her to see that I truly am sorry.

For the past few days I don't even think I have been myself. I have dragged myself to work and only spent social time with my parents to eat. I don't feel like talking, they are suspicious but no idea why. The rest of the time I have spent concealed within my duvet and nursing myself with an alcoholic medicine known as whiskey.

Bottles of the stuff I have consumed trying to get over her.

It's not working though. It never does. In fact it only makes me miss her and her attention more.

Thankfully it is the weekend. No one is going to miss me if I fail to emerge from my room. I feel so ill, having only had liquid for dinner yesterday evening and having started on it the minute I woke up this morning, I can feel it all bubbling in my stomach.

The threat of vomit is imminent but I keep swallowing down the bile and drinking. I refuse to give into the urge to be sick. I need to numb the pain and that is all it is now; pain.

Rejection hurts.

That is what she has done she has rejected me. Just like everyone else in my life. It doesn't matter when, but at some point after I have allowed myself to open up and get close to someone they abandon me. It is all because I am just too much

It isn't my fault I am such a mess.

Life has been good to me I suppose but it hasn't always been kind to me. It has been tough, very tough and sometimes I have struggled to make it to the next day but something inside me has kept me fighting.

Maybe I should just give up now though.

My head is thumping, I can't think straight, can't act straight, excuse the pun there. Can't concentrate, do my job properly, focus, motivate myself or...

...smile.

I am desperately unhappy and she was the only shred of real happiness I had.

In fact I think it might have actually been less painful if she had just ripped my heart out and crushed it!

Great now I'm crying.

My eyes sting with the sudden lubrication and I close them, screwing them up tight so that all I can see is blackness. Is it ironic I think it reminds me of my life?

Black, dark and horrible places from which there is no escape.

I take another swig of whiskey at that depressing thought and I throw my phone away onto the side as I tumble back onto the bed and try to sleep.

Its not happening so I just cry. Eyes still stinging. Throat still burning. Dream still shattered and heart still broken.

I cry for hours, hours and hours. All alone and with no where to turn.

Eventually I begin to drift. Maybe when I wake hope will have been restored.

Don't mistake that for optimism; I am very far from that.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Thank you everyone for the continued to support. I hope you enjoy this chapter. :)**

When I wake again another day is dawning. Don't ask me which one because I can't tell you. Having isolated myself away I have no idea. I know one thing for certain though, it isn't a work day, no alarm rang in my ear early this morning. I have little energy but still manage to slap my hand across onto the bedside table and fumble for the button to illuminate my phone screen.

Bright it blinds me as I check the time and see it is early. Really early. I groan and bury my face under the duvet having not paid attention to anything else but the time.

So all this sleep, even if it has been with a cloudy head has given me time to think and self loathe. I'm not so good at the first thing but at the second I am a pro. I blame myself for the destruction of our friendship, my moods, my feelings, my general behaviour.

Yep see, still feel guilty even after days of intoxication and ignoring her best I can.

It has taken everything for me to not pick up my phone and send another message, followed by another, and then another and another and another until I am just typing away on the tiny device all day. We used to do that, we had got so used to being friends and being in such regular communications. I really thought we had a connection.

How wrong was I?

After a while of just lying here though and contemplating these same thoughts over and over my throat feels dry, my skin itches and I am just generally irritated. There is so much to think about? So many unanswered questions I feel will remain that way and hundreds of tiny little feelings to suppress.

Oh the joys of my life!

So I have gotten myself out of bed. The house is nice and quiet and there is not another to be seen so heading to the bathroom I decide to refresh myself. See if it makes me feel a little more alive but I bet it won't.

Setting the shower off I start the water warm but holding the tap and feeling the warm liquid, I shut it off in favour for the cold. I need a wake up call. Perhaps a good dousing in cold water will wash away all the problems, or perhaps it will just give me that sense of reality I feel I need.

Wash myself clean and start again. That's the aim.

Come on you can do it. You've done it before, plenty of times.

Get it together!

I step under the freezing cold cascade of water and let it drench me. My body instantly shivers at the contact with the cold liquid upon my skin but I force myself to stand there. I stay there, for ages, all those thoughts quickly running through my mind until I lean back suddenly against the wall and close my eyes.

Here no one knows these are tears streaming down my face. It is a relief. I just cry.

When I finally leave the bathroom I can do nothing but shiver. I scurry across the deserted building and back to my room with my hair dripping and just a towel wrapped around me. Instantly I tumble back onto my bed and hide my freezing body within the duvet.

I was wrong, I don't feel any better at all.

Sniffling I am trying to fight the tears but no here they come again.

Thick and fast, rolling down my cheeks until they soak into my pillow.

Oh my god I miss her. I miss her so much and its only been a couple of days.

Suddenly I am realising I have no idea how I am going to cope.

Questioning my purpose again for everything; getting up, going out, speaking, talking, smiling, walking, feeling, living; breathing!

I Miss Her!

I only end up more upset.

I cry myself back to sleep, until the thoughts are all just whizzing around my head unconsciously over and over, driving me crazy ready to make my head thump when I wake.

* * *

Two days I think it has been and the silence, still bliss.

The non existence of a pressure I knew not existed until the other day is now gone.

I feel such relief, but...

I can't stop checking my cell.

Just in case there is something, a message perhaps but no not a word. Not a call, text, letter, email, knock at the door, nothing.

I'm not worried, or am I worried.

Should I be?

Do you think she is ok?

Did I do something wrong?

I let those questions plague me most of the morning and then after a while they just flutter away and my urge to check for communications subsides. It was so much easier to just carry on with my life than I had initially thought.

I was becoming far too dependent on just having that one person to talk to anyway.

I have other friends, they need attention and some of my time too, as does my work. It is time to focus more on what is important and a constant in my life. She was far too inconsistent and the unpredictable moods were making life most difficult some days.

Taking a deep breath I sigh and smile as I settle down for a day of relaxation. God I deserve it, it has been a most stressful few weeks or months actually.

It's time for me to take some quality time for myself.

As I sit and surround myself with a lovely soundtrack of music playing low in the background, I also pick up a book and start to read. It is only as I get into the story or not as I am slowly finding out, that I find my mind has wandered to worrying about her again.

I will never admit it to another soul but...

I actually think I might be missing her.


	9. Chapter 9

No I am not worried by her silence.

Ok maybe I am a little, but not because I love her. That I want made very clear.

I like her and not in that way, as a friend if she insists we must label our connection somehow.

As a friend I am concerned by her sudden disappearance and lack of communication.

She had reached the level of pest and now seems to have fallen off of my radar.

Having picked up my cell I have checked that I just haven't missed the notification of a message or perhaps an electronic mail from her. Obviously there is nothing, which I agree is strange but it doesn't bother me. Curiosity does get me though and a need to inquire takes over. I open a blank messaging screen and type out one that is strictly plutonic.

_Are you alright?_

_You have been very quiet. _

It is a simple question and observation. No obligation to reply, only a simple yes or no required if she decides to and absolutely nothing she can misinterpret for affection from me in that way.

There will be no more misunderstandings between us.

I have told her very clearly now on more than one occasion how I feel about this.

Friends?

Well we are sort of that still I suppose.

As I muse my cell beeps. Looking at it quickly I realise I have an almost instant response from her.

_Yeah you? x_

It is simply stated and then there is the little matter of the single kiss. I grit my teeth and ignore the unpleasant sensation it gives me to see it after the question mark. I think of the best way to reply and then type my answer out to her.

_Yes_

Nice and simple again. Nothing to blur the lines and nothing for her to reply to.

A second later in pops a reply.

_Oh, that's good then_

No kiss?

Intentional? I wonder for a moment.

_I'm sorry. Are you talking to me again then now :) x_

That message pops in. Great a kiss and one of those face thingys. So she is still trying. I take a deep breath and reply.

_So you keep saying. _

I expect she will reply, probably childishly with one of those sad smiley faces.

Sure enough a few minutes later in pops just that. A single one of those tiny little sad face thingys. No explanation for it and no words.

I frown.

_What?_

That is as simpler as reply as I can manage. It is the curiosity and intrigue getting to me again. Is she sad because I didn't answer her question in a straightforward manner, or is that sad face for something else?

The minutes tick by and I haven't received a reply yet. She must be writing an essay.

* * *

I have written this message now a thousand times. Ok that is a bit of an exaggeration but you know what I mean.

She has re-opened the channel of communication and it is so important that I get this right. I have so much I want to say but I don't want to bombard her with it all at once.

Gotta start slow.

Re-build the bridges I burnt.

Win her back.

Deleting what I have just typed out again, I start over.

Ok. Focus. Concentrate on what you really want to say. Remember what she said about your ramblings. She wasn't impressed, so don't do that again. Keep it simple.

Get it together! Come on!

God this would be so much easier face to face. I am deleting text from the screen again.

I take a deep breath.

Just ask. Just do it, just ask.

_Can we meet and talk? Please x_

I type and send before I can stop myself.

I exhale sharply realising that there is no way of undoing what I have just done now. I have bitten the bullet.

Now all I can do is wait.

Putting my phone down beside me I stare at it. Pushing the button to illuminate the screen everytime it threatens to go dark. I keep my focus on the centre waiting from the message box to appear on the screen.

My good guess would be that she says no, but still I will try to remain hopeful for a positive response.

It doesn't mean that the waiting and not knowing isn't torture though because it is!

Losing myself in thought for a moment, I jump when the phone vibrates beside me and pulls me back. As I look at it I can see all of the message in the box. Disappointment strikes, I knew it.

There is another buzz and another message jumps in and shows below the other.

I quickly pick up my cell and read it over and over. It's is only one word too but it holds so much possibility.

_No. _

That speech bubble ignore.

_Why? _

I stare at that one. It is a good of a question as any. Why?

I think for a second and then reply.

_Because I need to explain properly x_

I wait again then, and a second later as I exhale again out of relief another message appears.

_I suppose. Meet me here at 2. _

It is something at least and I can feel myself smiling a little for the first time in days as I read it.

She cares!

Woooooo


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Thank you everyone for the continued to support. I hope you enjoy this chapter. :)**

I assumed here meant home, not my home of course, her home. So that is where I find myself now and I am so relieved I didn't get that wrong. My palms are sweaty and my heart racing away as I now sit opposite her on the couch in her front room.

Ok this is so much more awkward than I thought it would be.

My mouth is dry and I only notice when I get the urge to cough.

I wonder if she feels uncomfortable too?

I know I need to make the first move here, open up and start talking like I said I would in my text but the situation is so awkward. Our greeting at the door was uncomfortable and quick and has just led to us sitting opposite each other in this deadly silence as we are now.

_"So?" _she asks whilst I am mid thought on how to begin and it has taken me a little by surprise.

_"So" _I repeat shyly whilst quickly wiping my sweaty palms on the denim of my jeans.

_"Start explaining" _she gently snaps and it has set the mood.

Right she was clipped and sharp then, her patience is wearing thin. I swallow hard and open my mouth again ready to start talking but only inhale a deep, deep breath.

I wipe my hands on my jeans again, they are so clammy and spot her watching me. I really have no idea how she is keeping so cool and calm. I am a wreck. Where do I start? What do I say to her?

I take another quick deep breath and stop musing. Just do this, I tell myself. Go with what you feel in your heart. Speak, just speak!

_"As I have already told you, I umm, I love you" _I choke out unpleasantly.

She is staring right at me.

_"Yes, so you keep saying" _she huffs out as if she is bored and I know I need to move on and quickly.

I watch her, distracted for a second as she tucks a stray strand of hair behind her ear. So poised still even if she is a little agitated.

_"and well its not my fault. I mean well it is but I didn't mean for it to happen. Well I mean I did, well wanted it to...I..." _ I stutter and stumble getting the words out.

Way to go here!

I'm not making a mess of it at all.

She raises an eyebrow slightly and my eyes drop to her lap where she seems to be pushing a ring around her finger. My mind I find it wandering, wondering where she got that from but I am soon interrupted and pulled back from my thoughts into the room.

She has only coughed to bring back the focus to the grovelling and explanation I am supposed to be giving her. I look back up and into her eyes. Big mistake and I quickly look away. That stare is so intense.

_"How? How did it happen?" _She asks me gently.

I am a little lost for words. This is just as hard as trying to write an explanation down. How do you explain the fact that it just sort of happened. It developed I suppose. I mean I'm pretty sure I didn't just wake up one morning and was like just in love with her like that , or was I?

Oh this is all such a confusing mess.

_"Well it just sort of developed" _I explain, sheepishly looking up at her and shrugging also.

_"Developed?" _she questions.

I nod like one of those little nodding dogs.

_"Explain"_ she sort of demands but in a quiet and reserved voice.

I notice she is still twirling that ring around her finger. Is she nervous? I know I am.

Right explain, I psych myself up. Ok this cannot be that difficult. Remember follow your heart, just get the words out, don't think to much, just talk.

Another deep breath and then I find myself talking away unable to stop.

_"Well I met you and being friends was great but then we started talking all the time. You kinda opened up and I just wanted to be there for you, I wanted to help. And then well things went a little bit wrong for me and you were nice. You were there you talked to me. You helped. That means so much to me." _

I break for a long breath realising I mumbled most of that and didn't breath very well as I rushed to get it all off of my chest, and that is just the start.

She is just staring at me.

Ok maybe she isn't satisfied, so I keep going.

_"Then well we had a connection and well, there isn't really anyone else in my life like you. No one who listens or understands like you and I like to think I help you and understand you too. All I really want is for you to be happy. I like your smile, its really pretty." _

I shut up then. Oops, was that maybe too far?

My head snaps up to look at her half expecting to find her glaring at me but she's not, she has her head down.

I cough awkwardly in a bid to get her attention.

_"Carry on" _She mumbles but in a firmish tone.

A little taken by surprise at her reaction I quickly try to continue.

_"And erm, I think you are a really beautiful person inside and out and I think you are good and loving. I think you really deserve to be happy. I just want to take away all your pain." _

I stop again there feeling a little over emotional myself.

There is a hard and large lump in my throat and I actually feel like all the oxygen is being sucked out of the room. For fear I have made things worse and worried by her silence, I quickly pull myself up off of the couch.

My heart has been stomped on a few times now and I won't survive it again I know I won't. That is why I reserve my feelings until I really trust someone. I definitely regret admitting them this time, like all the times before. Before anything else can go wrong I flee. The pain I am beginning to feel and the looming of rejection all too close for comfort.

I can't take it.

I leave before she can stop me or I convince myself that it isn't such a good idea and I run. Destination unknown.


	11. Chapter 11

Well its been a few hours since she fled unexpectedly and strangely I still find myself sat here. Everything she says worries me to an extent. Is she sure those feelings are really what they seem or does she just care for my happiness and is confusing it for love.

It is a most complicated subject.

I believe she meant what she said to me but it still leaves me very much in the dark. She didn't really explain why and I do understand it is most difficult to explain to me how, but what she said really had very little meaning at all.

I am conflicted and I don't know what to do. That is why I find myself still sat here.

I can't help wondering if she is alright.

As difficult as this is for me I am beginning to understand, or at least I think I do how hard all of this must be for her. It isn't easy to lay your heart bare and I am aware of her past relationships. All disastrous of course but I don't think she was completely to blame for that.

I have had my own past relationships, I mean I know how well they didn't go so of course I have an understanding of that side of her feelings, but her loving me is what I am struggling with the most.

It is difficult, a woman with another woman when she has never been that way inclined before. She told me about those men, the past and what happened. Never before has there been a mention of this nature. It is so strange.

Where did it come from? I am certain I never gave her any impression that this was how I saw her or what I desired, or did I? Unconsciously maybe.

Is this my fault?

Actually I do hope she is alright.

* * *

I am a wreck and on the verge of pulling my hair out.

Oh god why did I get up and run. I can't run back now it is too late.

Do I apologise? Ask to meet up again?

Oh I don't know.

I am driving myself crazy and I am deeply unhappy.

So I guess you all want to know where I ran to. I wish I could tell you of a happy place or somewhere nice but I have ended up back in the confines of my room and trying to avoid the world.

I would be crying again, its like second nature now but I am all cried out over her. I spent so many years not crying at all and then I have cried so much over her recently I just can't do it anymore, so I lie in a trance like state and just mentally torture myself.

I go over and over everything. brushing through it with a fine tooth comb, searching for answers and finding absolutely nothing.

This is torture!

I know and I am torturing myself and before you ask no I don't know why I do it. I just always have.

Life seems to kick me down when I get a tiny sliver of happiness. That little bit of hope and I just lose it always. Something gets taken away, someone changes, someone leaves me and then I end up where I started; alone.

I sit and stare into space. Frightened by the prospect that going to try and 'talk' has potentially made this whole situation worse. My mind then is blank and can think and muse over one idea only and that was the one I had to disappear.

But...I don't want her to be upset.

Do you think it would upset her if I did? If I just went quiet and wasn't there anymore. She didn't see me or hear from me in any way. If I made sure I completely disappeared, no traces, no evidence that I still exist. After all I am really good at slipping off of the radar and changing.

It is just as I am seriously contemplating that again that my cell beeps. I slowly retrieve it from the bedside and open up the message from her.

_Are you ok? _

I don't know what to make of it. Should I reply, leave it, ignore it completely, delete it?

Is it going to have a positive outcome or negative?

Does it have potential or is it just a waste of my time?

I swallow hard and think for a moment when another message pops in.

_Are you there? _

Oh no she is worried.

Now I feel horrible, for everything, running out and contemplating disappearing on her. She doesn't deserve it, not even as just a friend.

She has been good to me.

I quickly reply.

_Yeah I am fine are you? _

I leave off the kiss on purpose. I don't want to push it but I have asked her because I am seriously wondering about her.

Believe it or not I only care about her. I may sound selfish sometimes but I don't mean to. I want nothing more than for her to be happy and I meant every word of what I said to her. I love her smile and I love when she is happy. That makes me happy, knowing she is ok, knowing that she isn't alone and scared, knowing that she knows that she is loved, whether she wants the love or not and also knowing that even though she might deny it at times that she is cared for.

That is my only goal out of this.

Her happiness.


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: Apologies for the delay in getting another update out to you all. Thank you for your continued support and I hope you will all like this chapter.**

**Enjoy x**

_I'm fine. Come back _

That is her reply.

I have read it now several hundred times. I am in shock. Does it really actually say that?

Come back.

Is she serious?

My heart flutters. It holds so much possibility but again is it positive or negative or what.

I simply reply with an ok and then pull myself off of my bed, tidy up my hair and wipe my face. I then take a few deep breaths before grabbing my phone and my keys and then head outside.

Its still warm but there is a slight chill in the air. Can't help but think mother nature is doing that intentionally so that I am kept on my toes and not too comfortable. I opted to walk to clear my head before I get there, this time I will be ready and prepared, and I will be calm.

I approach her house and slow my pace even further.

Ok so my nerves are kicking in again now. I stop and take a deep breath. I need to compose myself properly. She has given me another chance and I do not want to blow it.

I just have to keep my focus, tell her nothing but the truth and hopefully she'll accept my feelings. Even if she doesn't wish to reciprocate I do not mind, as long as we can still be friends. I would really hate for this to be what forced us apart.

Deep breaths, I have to keep reminding myself. I don't want the panic to take over.

Its all about her, what she wants, how she feels, all her. No pressure, no fuss and if we can just stay friends I will be more than happy.

So here goes.

Wish me luck!

God I know I need it.

I was poised and ready to knock at the door when I hesitated and when I went to knock again it opened and she was there. It was like she had been waiting and watching for me. Who knows, perhaps she had. That is a nice thought and the fuel I need to manage the smile I am now wearing.

_"Come in then" _she tells me when I just stand there and quick to jump to attention I slip in the door and stand in the hall.

There is that awkward silence again.

Do I say something first, or do I wait?

I shuffle on the spot, look up at her and quickly look away again when I realise she is staring.

_"Follow me" _she eventually states and I follow her into the living a little delayed in my reaction.

We sit as we were before I ran out; opposite each other on the couch. That awkwardness still looms around us and I cough unintentionally. Must be my nerves. The sweaty palms are back all of a sudden too and the head crammed with every single thought I had cleared on my way here and great I am right back where I started, not confident and frightened of messing this all up.

We just get along so well, click, think a like sometimes, same wave length, too many parallels in our lives to count up and well I just really like her. Like really like her.

I mean how can you not?

She is perfect.

Her hair is luscious and full and it shines beautifully. Her eyes sparkle. Her voice is music to my ears. Her skin is beautiful, even if it is marked and scarred in places and her smile. Oh her smile. When I see it I just can't help but smile myself.

She is perfection.

I look up at her and accidentally sigh out loud as I admire her.

When she stares back at me I am suddenly snapped back to reality.

_"So...Did you mean what you said?" _she asks me out of nowhere.

_"Yes...yes of course I did. I always mean what I say. I wouldn't make that up or anything. I swear" _I ramble whilst nodding.

_"A simple yes would have been sufficient" _she returns simply.

I swallow and nod in acknowledgement.

_"Yes" _I then reply for her.

_"I see" _she answers as if she is as stuck for words as I am.

_"Well then, thank you I suppose" _she continues and still seems in a somewhat shocked stated.

She is lost for words.

Unfortunately so am I.

So we're sat again in that awkward and uncomfortable silence that has religiously followed each of these meetings we have had face to face since my declaration.

We stay like this for a while and exchange a few uncomfortable glances at one another but then I can stand it no more.

I have to say something and suddenly I am feeling braver than I think I should.

I look up to see her twirling that ring she wears again and take a deep breath.

This isn't a good idea and I know it. My brain is telling my heart this is stupid, you'll get hurt, you'll get hurt, you'll get hurt, but my mouth is running away with my thoughts before I find the ability to stop it.

_"I...I am just wondering, how you?...um well do you feel,...um how is this for yo-...um how do you feel?" _I eventually blurt out.

Her head snaps up and she stares at me.

Maybe some clarification would help I think and what a stupid thought that is but unfortunately, again I cannot stop myself.

_"About me? well about me like that if you know what I mean" _I babble.

She continues to stare so I trail off and the silence fills the room again.

_"Yes I know what you mean and...well I suppose I..." _she eventually starts talking and then pauses there.

She is mid sentence.

All I can do is wait.

This is the most intense moment of my life.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: Thank you so much for your continued support. Here is the next chapter for you all and I hope you enjoy it x**

_"...I am not sure entirely" _

All I can say is I am stunned. What kind of answer is that. She isn't sure entirely?

I am confused. Does that mean yes I do but I don't want to admit that I could love you or no I think I don't like you but I might.

For someone who is decisive about other things in her life, she isn't very decisive about this.

As I am sat thinking, avoiding making contact with her eyes and watching her nervously twirl that ring around her finger I wonder if maybe I should pick the conversation back up or just give her time to follow on. If she has anything else more to say of course.

We sit in that awkward silence again a little longer and then I start to mumble.

_"So you..."_

Just as she starts to mumble to.

_"I...mean" _

I stop and look up at her and wait to see if she carries on.

_"Oh sorry, you go first" _She offers.

I quickly shake my head, more eager to know what she was going to say.

_"Oh no please you carry on" _I encourage.

_"I...well, alright I suppose..." _she mutters somewhat quietly and I sit patiently and wait.

_"Well I mean, friends. I like you as a friend." _she states and I notice a little blush on her cheeks.

As a friend. I let that sentence rattle around quietly in my head for a few moments even though I am unconsciously nodding to show my understanding of her words. That is all they are though, words. They don't really have meaning or feeling but at least she said friends and not acquaintances. To have been demoted to that would have been a real blow.

She looks back up and I quickly look away. I am not upset. I am ok, just can't really look at her right now. Lately I have been wearing all my feelings on my sleeve. I let her break down that brick wall I had spent years building up and yeah she didn't knock it down gently she smashed right through it and I care. I care about her so much it makes my heart hurt.

_"Please, just friends at the moment" _she states boldly and reaches out placing her hand over mine, which is sweating away nervously against my lap.

She is touching me, its only my hand but its a sign of affection.

Do not freak out. Do not freak out.

I look up and find myself nodding. My mind is blank but my subconscious is far from that. It is screaming at me to progress this interaction, act on impulse, stop talking and just show her but I can't, I really can't. This, accepting we are still friends is acknowledgement enough for now. Its a big achievement.

I smile to reassure her that I am, well we are ok but I am far from that.

She smiles back!

Be still my beating heart! That is a thing of rare and utter beauty. Her smile it is just so perfect and heart warming.

I tell myself now to remember not to be selfish. Do not act upon your urges. Do not squeeze her hand back or try to hold it. Just stay calm. Do not turn this moment into another one of those disaster moments. Leave the ball in her court, let her have the control.

What is meant to be will be.

I swallow but can't stay quiet.

_"I'm glad you still want to be friends" _

Her smile fades, but luckily only for a moment and she smiles again.

_"Thank you for understanding and I am glad too" _

Only a kiss and fairytale movie ending would make this moment perfect, but I know this is no fairytale and that those kind of things only happen in the movies, or literature written centuries ago. In reality, good things take time and the best things develop without warning. That is what I need to do, let this blossom.

That is how I have to look at life now.

So I leave it there, don't broach the subject anymore with her at this time and share a drink with her. Admittedly we share a drink with awkward conversation but after a while it feels odd like we fell out but like neither of us want it to stay that way. Unfortunately it is difficult to shake the atmosphere and odd feelings but that is ok, as long as we keep progressing and get back to where we were that is success enough in my eyes.

I stay a while and although I feel slightly uncomfortable still I don't mind as much. We are getting along and talking, so that is good but when it comes to the time when I might be outstaying my welcome I have to admit I am saddened.

We exchange a slightly difficult goodbye and then she escorts me to the door.

Its all very formal suddenly and I give her a smile and nod as I step out onto the path. She smiles too, not a full smile like earlier but a quirk of her lips. I turn away and start walking, controlling my urge to grin when I hear her call out.

_"I'll see you soon" _

I'm not sure if it is a question or a statement but I keep walking only glancing back and acknowledging with a nod and smile. Then as I reach the gate and hear the door click closed quietly behind me, I can't help but smile brightly.

Things are starting to look up.


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: Thank you everyone for your continued support, it is greatly appreciated and I am so glad you are all enjoying the story. This chapter is set a few days after the last one. :)**

So she wasn't joking when she said see you soon. She actually meant it and I know this because we have spent the last few days exchanging intermittent text messages and she has invited me over again to 'talk'. I am feeling positive about it but picking an outfit is making me nervous. I don't want to look overdressed or send out the wrong vibe or signals. I have my jeans and tank top, the usual choice and then I have a dress and I just don't know.

I sigh loudly and tumble down on my bed between the two outfits I have laid out.

Eventually I decide to go with the tried and tested jeans and tank top. I know it looks as though I am making little effort and I know she will be dressed to within an inch of perfection but its only a coffee; I don't need a ball gown for that.

Peeling myself away from the duvet I pick up my jeans and the top and struggle into them as usual. They are so tight I always fight to get my legs in them and them pulled up. How I don't bruise from the amount of furniture I bang into in the process I will never know.

I sigh again finally dressed and check my reflection in the mirror.

So I look ok, I guess.

Running a comb quickly through my tangled hair I do my best to make myself look reasonably presentable and then inhale deep and quick as I stare at my reflection.

Ok, so I'll have to do, I am pushing it for time.

I return to the beside and take my phone, the screen illuminates and I notice the time. Damn I am late.

So I go running...

I arrive out of breath and exhausted and take a minute before knocking on the door, but just as I am composing myself and getting ready to knock she opens the door anyway.

The nerves kick in again and I wonder, was she waiting and watching?

_"Umm Hi" _I squeak out awkwardly.

_"You're late" _she quietly informs me as she opens up the door further and allows me to step inside.

_"Errr yeah sorry I didn't know what to wear. I mean I didn't want to look a mess. I mean...ummm" _I smile awkwardly and shut myself up realising that I am babbling.

She seems to eye me up and down and then asks me to follow her. Obediently I follow her into the living room and take a seat when instructed to do so. She sits opposite me and I get deja vu from the other day. The scene is exactly the same apart from we are wearing different outfits.

For a moment I let the panic set it. She is backing out, taking back what she said.

Oh no.

I prepare myself for the worst.

_"So I have been thinking..." _she begins and that is all I hear before I switch off and start hearing something completely different.

I only start paying proper attention again at the end when the events in my mind have run full circle.

_"...So can I get you a coffee and we can talk about it?" _she asks.

I'm a little taken by surprise and nod whilst stuttering out an odd yes in answer to her question.

I then watch as she gracefully removes herself from the couch and can't help but stare as she passes me by and leaves the room. I am so much more nervous now. What does she want to talk about?

Damn you mind for wandering!

So I sit and wait and decide that I will just have to wing it.

A few moments later she returns and seems to eye me slightly suspiciously as she retakes her seat opposite. She passes me a cup of strong black coffee and advises she hopes I don't mind because she was out of milk. I exchange with her a small smile and then hold the mug knowing it is too hot to drink right away.

I smile again awkwardly waiting to see if she'll start the conversation up again and am then relived when she does.

_"Well what do you think then?" _she asks me sipping at her own drink.

_"ummmmm...in regards to?" _I stutter hoping she made more than one point during that conversation where I was mentally absent not ten minutes ago.

_"Well to us perhaps seeing how we go, like maybe a date?" _she slowly tells me as if she is slightly frustrated at having to clarify or repeat something she already said.

I almost spit out the sip of coffee I have just taken.

_"A date?" _ I ask and regret it when even I hear the hesitance and surprise in my voice.

_"That is what you want isn't it?" _she quizzes with a suspicious look.

Now is no time for hesitance at all so please don't let me down brain. Engage, come on get a move on, I silently tell myself as a silence starts to linger between us.

GET IT TOGETHER! COME ON!

That is my heart screaming internally at my head.

_"Y...yes...yes I would like that" _I eventually manage to stutter out as I look up at her properly.

She doesn't look impressed.

Oh damn have I screwed up again?

Stupid head! Why won't you just do what my heart tells you to when it tells you to?!

She then exhales suddenly and I realise I am staring at her so dart my eyes down to my coffee and stare into the blackness there whilst I wait.

_"Well alright then, we'll umm do that. Sort it and let me know the details" _she suddenly blurts out and it was actually a struggle for me to process.

But...despite that... I am trying not to grin because...she is agreeing to go out on a date with me.

I take a moment to fully process that fact and internally I scream.

WE ARE GOING ON A DATE!


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: Thank you all so much for the continued support. Sorry to keep you all waiting for this update. So, its date time, who is ready?**

**Hope you enjoy x**

So she left me in charge of organising the date and it seemed perfect as I left hers but then I started to freak. I have no idea what she would want to do as a date or what we should do because in all honestly I have never been on an actual date. So with not a clue what to plan I found myself spending the evening flicking through some of those rom com thingys for ideas and then finally I got one.

So...

I text her the details and just got a simple reply of ok.

So that has just made me a bag of nerves. No direction, I couldn't tell if she was pleased, or disappointed but I suppose I did only give her a time I would pick her up. She doesn't actually know the details of the date, so I suppose I shouldn't be worrying but I am.

What if she doesn't like what I have planned?

What if she doesn't think it constitutes as a first date?

What if it is just rubbish and doesn't go well?

I will just have blown my chance!

So anyway...tonight is the big night. I have half an hour until I have to be there to pick her up and I'm not even dressed yet.

Once again I am facing the do I wear a dress dilemma or do I opt for something less feminine?

Oh god I just don't know and the clock is ticking.

I can't be late. Come on make a decision...just pick, dress or smart trousers and top.

grrrr why is this so hard?!

So with five minutes to spare I am out the door, with still damp hair and a dress! Yes that is right, I am wearing a dress.

When I finally arrive to pick her up, I feel so uncomfortable I am not even sure I want to get out of my car and go and call for her but then I catch a glimpse of her peeking out of the window and she looks breathtaking.

I can't waste this opportunity.

Keeping that thought in mind I slowly get out of the car and up the path to the door just praying that this is all going to go well and most importantly, that she enjoys herself and has a good time.

Again I don't get a chance to knock on the door before it is opened but she doesn't invite me in just hurries out herself and off down the path leaving me to follow.

So great...we're off to an awkward start.

I follow her and get my car door for her as she stands by it. I make sure she is comfortable in her seat before closing her door and then hurry to get myself back into the drivers seat.

I hope I start to feel more comfortable soon. Driving in silence and without a word exchanged between us I fear the awkwardness is going to take over the whole evening.

We arrive at the destination.

_"A restaurant" _she states.

I can't help but detect a little sarcasm in that. Great so she is not impressed so far.

And before you all start I know, restaurant, cliché but after all those rom coms this was seriously the most sensible and grown up idea. After all my date is a woman with good taste and this is the best restaurant I can afford.

So we have parked up and I hurried out of the car, unfortunately in a somewhat ungraceful fashion but at least it made her smirk. I helped her out like a true gentleman would so I guess that has earned me some brownie points.

She is still smiling when we get inside and I check our reservation so that is also a good sign and then she continues to smile even after I have sat opposite her.

Things are beginning to look up.

There is an awkward silence as we both look over the menu and when the waitress comes over to take a drinks order I let her order whatever she wants first. If there is one thing I have learned it is that I do not get to control her life, even with something as simple as ordering her a wine. I wouldn't dare and I wouldn't want to, her individuality and ability to think so forwardly for herself are just a few of the reasons I love her.

She typically orders wine and I smirk but I love her confidence.

I then order a whiskey shot. I need to get my confidence sorted.

We then sit back in silence again. Eyes on menus until she starts talking to me about the dishes and politely asking what takes my fancy. She takes my fancy but I know she means food so I scan the menu and say the first thing I see.

_"Errr lasagne I think" _

That earns me another smile.

_"Well then looks like we have similar tastes. I think I will join you in the lasagne" _

Oh god that was so hot!

She is so hot!

Ahhhhh calm down, calm down!

Then she smiles again. Is she trying to destroy me?!

I thank god when the waitress comes to take our order and luckily for me she is distracted by giving her our order and thank god she did because no sooner has the waitress left the table I seem to have forgotten how to speak.

_"Well this is nice" _she states gently.

Insert my stupid jaw drop and no sound here.

She giggles and her cheeks go a little pink.

Oh my god I am dead. I am actually freaking dead!


End file.
